Navigating

*first for all of you that responded to the last post, OMG thank you. I could feel every scream, every good wish and every true congratulations. You have helped make this possible by giving me a very safe place to talk and cry and worry and be excited and this news would be nothing without any of you. My thank you for your kindness and excitement for me is stored in my heart and will never be forgotten*

I know you don't want to hear it, I know because when I wasn't pregnant I probably wouldn't have wanted to hear it either. How confusing and complex this new change in my body and life has been the past few days. It's hard to imagine that it's going to be another 35 weeks of this to be honest, because already I feel like I am out to sea without foghorn, compass or map. I am as my pretty picture stolen from the Internet says, "Navigating through Complexity".



First there are all the physical changes, my boobs really hurt. Like when I accidentally bump them I scream a little and hope no one hears me. Then there is the veins in them that all at once are a little ugly but I look at them all the time, just checking to see if they are still there. Next, I have to be careful about so many things. I wanted Clams over the weekend (like really really wanted them) and I realized nope, no steamers this summer. I want to be able to carry laundry baskets and pick up things in my house without worrying. I promised myself that I wouldn't turn into a crazy person once I got pregnant and here I am, not even 5 weeks and I am not doing so well with that ladies, not. at. all. Mr Kir isn't helping, I guess when you've been trying for almost 4 years it gets to the point of let's just put you in a bubble until Feb. And if he could....oh believe me he would.



Now don't get me wrong, it's nice sometimes. I like that I can be a slug on the couch (because you all know that I descendant from SLUGS) and have him do lots of things that I couldn't be bothered to do even when I am not PG, but the other part of me is so guilty. Guilty about having him do so much, guilty that I have to be so careful because of all we've been through. Wouldn't it be wonderful to just find out that I'm pregnant and go about my life like it's just something new and exciting. Instead I have turned into a girl who constantly worries that something will go wrong, because...well hey it's me. It's quite annoying just between you and me, who I've turned into. I don't like me very much the past few days. Happy one minute, shook with terror the next, content the next minute. I'm like a pregnant Sybil.



Plus the hardest part is that because I have never been pregnant before I don't know how to act. Be happy I am? Be worried something might go wrong? Be content and joyous? Remember all the Stirrup Queens that are still struggling. I have survivor's guilt. MAJOR survivor's guilt. I want to be pregnant, and yet I also want to stay over here "with you guys" because you have been my lifeline, my hope and my sanity during the years we were TTC and truth be know I could not have done this alone. And of course like any good Stirrup Queen I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop, the u/s to tell a different story, or a host of any other things I can dream up when I can't sleep at night.

the good parts are that my mom is so happy she could beam herself to another galaxy if she tried. My sister, brother and one SIL are beside themselves with happiness. Eager to be aunts and uncles, the people who were praying have promised more of that and in quiet times I sit quietly and think about what this will be like if it actually happens. It's surreal and unbelievable.

late last week I heard from one of the "Virtual Aunties" and her gift to me when opened brought tears to my eyes. How is that you (and you know who are!!!) could be struggling and still be so happy for me? It blows me away how good , tender, concerned you've been and I promise you I will never ever forget it. Like the road less traveled, "you have made all the difference". I heard from another Auntie (she actually called me!!)that talked to me about how to enjoy this, her joy for me so apparent and clear that it made tears spring to my tears and to the other Auntie who told me the story of her children sending up prayers for me was enough to send into weeping at my desk. I have never felt so much love and from the bottom of my heart I am so grateful for it.

And lastly because you all like stats:
My first beta at 9dp5dt=487
the second at 11ddp5dt= 774
the third at 14dp5dt=2100


I don't have many symptoms at all, my bbs hurt one day, not the next (which is enough to send me into a thought of m/c) I did throw up when we got home last night and after my PIO shot, but I don't have nausea , smells are bothering me a little and the biggest one, I am exhausted all the time. I also still have AF type cramps which freak me out more than a little somedays. Like I said I have a new improved split personality and I don't really like it or me lately.

our first u/s is next week , I was 5 weeks yesterday and still in complete disbelief. Still trying to navigate this new course, this new adventure.