So, I'm addicted to
Facebook and even that I can't keep up with. I haven't read blogs or anything else in so long that I feel all kinds of left out of everything. Here at work, things are chaotic, our new conversion means TONS of work and no time to do things like I am doing right now and really how much can I tell you about our kids?
My birthday came and went, Valentine's day too and through it all, I am so thankful to have all my "guys" but I really need a break people. I am exhausted all the time, the headaches don't help so when they come I am miserable but I still have tons of things to do at work, at home, etc and I am feeling extremely overwhelmed and I hate that. I hate that for the 4 yrs that we tried to have a baby, that we got blessed with two that are miracles , miracles!!!!! and I just can't seem to find time to just ENJOY them. Truth be told I am not enjoying anything anymore, even trips to the mall (my mecca of joy) are just a PITA lately. It's
embarrassing and humbling. It's enough to make an IF wonder if even this is another test of faith, can I be a good mommy, a good wife, a good worker and still have enough left over to just be
Kir again? It's a question that I don't have an answer for yet. I'm getting there. Just not yet.
The thing is, that things change every single day, there are little funny stories Every single day. Like now, how when you say Hello in the house (and believe me , we say it more now just to see him do it) Jacob puts his hand up to his ear and lets out a "
da". " "his hello" I am presuming" it's so
frickin cute, I can't tell you. Or how
Gio is walking now, WALKING. On those big chunky monkey legs and thighs. It's amazing, but really who cares but me, Mr
Kir and my mom????
They are eating some big people food, they know how to use a
sippy cup, they can communicate in ways that are hilarious to me and they have discovered in each other, a soul mate, a friend, a playmate, when they are not hitting each other with the drumsticks from the P*
ar*
ents drum set. HA. It's so cool.
then, just when I was getting used to some things, this morning, they moved to the Toddler I room. And I have just been sitting here at work saying, "it's just a new room, no big deal" but the more I say it in the my head, the more I realize what a big deal this is. It's Toddler I, they went from the Infant Room to Toddler I. Much like I went from Infertile to Pregnant with Twins, as much as I felt like I belonged in both places when it was time to be there, the more I realized that I was never comfortable being IF or Pregnant and now
Mommyhood feels that way too.
So yeah, my infants are toddlers and will walk to a new room now and I just need some time and space to let that adjustment happen in my head and heart. Let's just hope it happens before they get ready to ask me for car keys.
Ms B was kind enough to help me and my pathetic blogging by posing 5 questions which I will answer now, thank you B, maybe it will inspire me to write more often. :)
1.
What are you doing today?well my body is here at work, getting a lot done, but my mind and heart are at daycare, hoping that my little guys are adjusting well to their first day in a new room. I can't wait to see them and hug them up. Tonight we are getting our taxes done. Let's hope our little "tax deductions" work out for us!!! :)
2. What did you do on your day off from work?well it was
supposed to be a really fun day, we got up and I decided to check my email and ended up "working" for two hours which had Mr
Kir in a very understandable tizzy , took the boys to daycare and had grand plans for lots of things and it ended up being a day of shopping for everyone but us, running errands and us saying well at least we have "
Friday off too for My birthday"...we ended up NOT taking Friday off for reasons I cannot go into here because my brain will explode and by the time we picked up the kids I was exhausted and felt like I hadn't relaxed at all. That wasn't a nice day off at all was it???? :(
3.
What is the most memorable thing to happen to you when you were lost?this is a hard one because I am trying to decide how to answer this :from an emotional or physical point. Emotionally, the most memorable thing is actually getting pregnant. At the time of the
IVF I felt lost, out of place, there were no signs anymore pointing me to anything but more heartache and despair. I truly felt like I didn't know where I was anymore. So to get pregnant after that felt like you do when you finally see a landmark on your favorite corner in town. You know where you are, and even disoriented , you know you might just be on your way home.
Physically lost, well let's see. I hate being lost and I have a lousy sense of direction. But I must say that my first year in
ATown when I moved there, not knowing a soul or the way to the mall(ha) , I had lots and lots of nights of driving around trying to find things and then trying to find my way back. What's memorable about all those times was that instead of being afraid (and I was) I tried to remember that sooner or later I'd get home. To follow my instincts and try not to panic. I went farther and farther from my safe places and paid attention to landmarks etc, I learned to find my way home. It sounds so silly, but for me it was about making this new place, my new place if I was going to stick it out and stay. Here I am 10 yrs later and have helped Mr
Kir find out way back from plenty of places too.
4.
What are your top three tips for a well lived life?
1. Find the love of your life, it doesn't have to be a person (but it helps) and be good to each other. I have found that when I stopped looking for a perfect partner, a perfect life, a fairytale and just let myself love Mr
Kir with all our imperfections that life got so much better. It must be true that people in love live longer, are healthier etc, because I feel that
some days, like I'm home. However if the love of your life is gardening or writing or books or flying a plane or your friends , just let yourself drown in it. Love it
wholly and without any restrictions or strings. This goes for your family and friends too, get rid of junk and embrace the people who make you better.
2. Find something you like about yourself at least once a week. I learned this because I am always looking at what is "wrong" with me, my weight, my hair, my impatience and I was focusing on those things that I didn't like and that I perceived others didn't either. I'm not always good about doing it, but when I do I remind myself of my GOOD attributes and try to focus on them. I try to see myself the way that people who love me (see above) do and work to be that person a little more every day.
3. believe in something bigger than yourself. It doesn't have to be G*
od, although for me it is. I think it helps to have someone to talk to when you have no where else to turn, when you are quiet and meditative. Belief and Faith are the cornerstones of so many things; that I have to believe that when you allow yourself to believe in something bigger, smarter and kinder than you out there, you'll find those things in yourself. Plus, when the whole world feels like it's turned it's back on you, it's always nice to think that there is someone who loves you just the way you are and forgives your
imperfection. For me that is my relationship with my higher power, who I call Go*d. Plus it helps to believe in forgiveness for things. Because it's been hard for me to forgive myself for so many things, it helps that He might with little explanation.
5. Are the tips above ones you would have given 10 yrs ago? If not, what's changed?
I think that they would have been similar, but 10 yrs ago I didn't have Mr
Kir in my life and I hadn't really struggled with anything but my own decisions of my 20's. I have always turned to Go*d, even when I hated him for having us struggle so long with our IF. I always turned to him. But the other two, I didn't know those things yet and I had long suffered with my own insecurity about what kind of person I am/was. I think I want to go back and give these things to my 29 yr old self and let her know that it's
ok. Well not all of it, but it's getting there. She's
ok, she's happy and a mommy and whatever life has to show her, the lesson is worth the tears she'll shed getting there.
thanks B, I learned something about myself and I blogged. You Rock!!!
Jacob on the Beach July 4th
Jacob and his BIG SMILE :)
Here Mommy! Gio on the Beach July 4th 2009
Gio Walking to the Water July 4th 2009
Lovin our Adirondack Chairs! 2009
